Alanon - Saviours Of Sanity

Living with someone else’s drinking problem is a crazy, depressing and extremely lonely experience, not to mention frightening, humiliating and potentially life-destroying...in more ways than one. What makes it worse is that the very behaviour (minus the drinking) that alcoholics exhibit has a nasty habit of rubbing off on to those around them. No wonder they call it the family disease. 

For all the havoc that alcoholics manage to wreak on their own lives and those of others, I personally find it hard not to let my heart go out to them. However it might appear to the onlooker, these people do not choose to be alcoholics. They would like nothing better than to take part in the same level of social drinking that most of society seems to manage, and when they choose recovery and total abstinence it is both difficult and requires constant vigilance. Notwithstanding this, however, there comes a point where all the understanding and sympathy in the world will not stop the partners and families of alcoholics from going under if they do not themselves seek help.

Those who live with alcoholics have to develop means of survival, not always physical survival, but certainly emotional and psychological survival. These coping mechanisms, however, lead them to behave in ways which frequently leave them feeling stripped of their self-confidence, their pride, their dignity and often their own sanity. Otherwise calm, patient and peaceable types turn into screaming fishwives as they seek to defend themselves against totally irrational behaviour. Some become liars, not because they have done anything for which they themselves need to be ashamed, but to cover up for their alcoholic partners and to conceal the yawning cracks in their own relationships and present a picture of normality to the outside world. Often they become adept at lying to themselves too, all the time telling themselves that things are not so bad or will get better. Attention-seeking behaviour and manipulation can easily become the norm for children and adults alike as they struggle to get their own emotional needs met.

Aside from the stuff that they ‘inherit’ from their alcoholics, partners and family also develop a whole heap of their own issues. Firstly there is the guilt, the gnawing, soul-destroying guilt. Everything seems to be a cause. Some come to believe, or are manipulated into believing that they are the very cause of the drinking problem. They hear, day after day, that if they did not do this or did do that, the alcoholic would not drink. Somewhere deep inside they feel that this is not the case, but alcoholics have this uncanny knack of making them doubt themselves, and the frequency of the accusations leaves them convinced that there must indeed be some truth there somewhere.

Even when they know that they are not the cause of the problem, those associated with alcoholics are still left carrying huge amounts of guilt. They feel guilty for wanting to walk away from the situation, believing that they are responsible for the alcoholic’s safety and well-being; they feel that they are in the wrong for confiding in others; they hold themselves accountable for not handling the situation better and for putting their children through the daily drama and torment. Before long, they find that they are even blaming themselves for laughing and smiling when their alcoholic is feeling down.

The partners and families of alcoholics live in fear too. They are afraid to talk to anyone of the opposite sex because they know that they will have to face the recriminations and accusations which come from the alcoholic’s own insecurities. They become terrified to leave their own homes for fear that the alcoholic will fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his hand or leave the gas turned on and cause them to lose everything. They become afraid to leave their own homes because they never know what they will be coming home to and what mood or state of drunkenness they will be faced with. They are frightened to leave the alcoholic’s side in case he starts threatening suicide again. In some cases, they live in mortal fear of being physically attacked and, regardless of whether this is the case or not, they all spend their lives walking on eggshells.

Their friends, if they still have any, are no longer welcome in their homes because this is a closed world that others are not permitted to enter. Even if their alcoholic decides to join Alcoholics Anonymous, they too are bound by the anonymity and so their worlds close in even further. They have no idea any longer, what is normal and what is not and what qualifies as acceptable or unacceptable behaviour, and in many cases they have nowhere to turn.

Being a pretty independent kind of person whose interests have always lain in more solitary pursuits, I have never really been much of a one for joining any sort of club or association. Sometimes though, if you are intent on swimming rather than sinking in life, you have to change the habits of a lifetime...and that’s where Alanon comes in.

Alanon is the principle organisation which exists to support the friends and family of alcoholics. It does not offer formal advice or counselling services but, at regular (usually weekly) meetings, those who are trying to cope with the effects of someone else’s drinking come together to offer support and the benefit of their own learning and experience. It does not matter what your relationship to the alcoholic is or whether he or she is still drinking or not. Men and women of all ages, races and backgrounds are welcome and the meetings are free to attend, although most do give what they can afford towards the cost of hiring the meeting room, Alanon literature and so on. Even if it is no more than a few pence, that’s okay.

Like AA, Alanon uses a twelve step programme to help its members towards their own recovery. Whilst Alanon is not a religious, but rather a spiritual organisation, the twelve steps do make mention of ‘God’ specifically and some initially find this off-putting. At the meetings, however, members are encouraged to think in terms of a ‘higher power’, which those who are not of any particular religious persuasion often find more palatable – I found that Mother Nature worked well for me.

Basically, the way that Alanon helps its members is by teaching them to refocus. As anyone who has been closely involved with an alcoholic will understand, all of your energies are spent on the sufferer and not necessarily in ways which are healthy - either for yourself or them. You will hear phrases such as ‘detaching with love’, a concept which many alcoholics themselves find quite abhorrent. It does not speak of removing your love or your caring, however, but about taking responsibility for yourself and ensuring your own health, safety and sanity. From the other members, you will learn what has worked, and not worked for them and you can try out different approaches whilst still knowing that you have a support network who will be there for you regardless of the outcome.

Nobody who attends an Alanon meeting is obliged to speak and in some cases it might take several meetings before people feel comfortable to talk about their own experiences or ask questions of others. Because the organisation is about sharing, however, it is important to remember that what you have to say offers valuable insight to others and could help them immensely. Nobody will tell you what you ought to do or presume to make your decisions for you and you will find members who are still with their partners and living a reasonably normal existence, those who live with the regret of not leaving years ago and those who decided to make the break. Again like AA, the anonymity of those who attend is respected by the other members and anything which is discussed stays within the four walls of the meeting room.

Of course, there is no such thing as a ‘typical’ alcoholic. Some do their drinking in bars or clubs, whilst others drink exclusively at home. Some go for weeks without a drink, only to go on drinking sprees which last days or even weeks, whereas others drink daily. There are those who drink from early in the morning and those who do not touch their first alcohol until later in the day, and whereas in some cases work, appearance, hygiene and so on will suffer, in others the outsider would never even guess that there was a problem. Whatever your own alcoholic’s particular behaviours and traits though, you will find much to identify with through other Alanon members.

Anybody who has lived or worked with an alcoholic, or who has a friend with a drinking problem, will understand that the sense of relief in being able to talk to others who understand precisely what you are going through is immense. Somebody else’s alcoholism is not only extremely difficult to endure alone, but without some outside help it is almost impossible to change your own perspective on what is happening – and yet doing so is vital for your own well-being, as well as for current or future relationships.